Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday Funny

An email from a buddy....

Now this is funny, I don't care who you are:

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries were increasing dramatically over the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard... I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire, reached down and grabbed it to throw it out of the way. Come to find out I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand, and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.....

The first thing I notice is my pecker's trying to climb up the inside of my body, my ears curled downwards, and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block =2.0 Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever, that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Da MN!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping

run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in

poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let it die...

Pleeeeaze let it die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in

my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery that my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet, and in my right butt cheek

(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, (I don't smell as bad as you might think.)

4- My left eye won't open.

5- My right eye won't close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumb!tch now. Seriously! I think our little session

cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand that!!!!)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar ever does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow!!!


Red said...

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (I still don't understand that!!!!)

How Matrix! Congrats on surviving and on your new found talent.

wvsanta said...

That is great what a laugh

HermitJim said...

Man, I got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at reading this post! Laughing with you and not at you...

The images that flashed across my mind was like watching a RoadRunner cartoon!

Thanks for the grins...even though my sides still hurt!

shiloh1862 said...

Hey this was not about was an e-mail from a buddy fowarding it to me :)

Funny as heck though!



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